Don't Hold Back!

Way back when, long before most of you knew me, I was a quiet, shy, polite, little girl. Yeah, I know. That was a long time ago, and things have changed a lot since then.

If you could hitch a ride in Peabody's "Wayback Machine" to the mid 1950s, you would find a pale, wheezing girl with tangled hair who frequently curled up between the speakers of a Wurlitzer jukebox in a smoke-filled tavern rather than hang out with her peers in the damp, night air that would certainly send her into a full-blown asthma attack. Quite a choice, huh?

Dial forward a few years later and you'll see that same girl bravely swimming in snake-infested creeks, singing for all she was worth in the school and church choirs, and yelling back at a classmate who popped open the door of the bathroom stall and embarrassed her terribly in the 8th grade.

This metamorphosis was abrupt and painful, but I've not regretted it for a moment.

There were very few things I liked about my family's move to Southern Missouri, but the one thing I give it credit for was my being forced to learn how to speak up for myself and emerge as an independent, free-thinking individual. I was an odd duck in a small pool down there, and it became a matter of necessity for me to step up and shine, or sit back and get tromped, literally!

From that point on my smart mouth has gotten me into a peck of trouble, especially when I don't bother to engage my brain before opening it. Being honest is one thing, but telling people something they really don't want to know is quite another. I don't set out to be rude, but sometimes I'm outspoken to the point of being way over the top. Shame on me! Seriously.

I can't say I don't enjoy the surprise on people's faces when I come right out and say something they were thinking, but are too polite, timid or prudent to say. I blurt out with these brash, and sometimes harsh, observations, and that's when I get that all too familiar response.

"Don't hold back, Judy. Tell us what you really think!"

Even so, there are some things I keep to myself, or only say when I'm alone in my car. Here's a few choice ones:

Yep, that's quite an outfit you got on today. Obviously you don't have any mirrors in your house.

Did you put on enough makeup this morning or would you like a new trowel?

Nope, I don't think that's your natural color. I don't think that color can be found anywhere in nature!

Phewie, you know a close encounter with some soap and water would keep us from smelling you coming!

Nice perfume/cologne! Did you take a bath in it and does it come in a 50 gallon drum?

Thank you for sharing, but I don't think the rest of us came to this restaurant/movie to hear your kid scream!

All righty then. Nothing I like better than hearing you yell at your snot-nose kids while they're running around creating havoc. If you think they're a mess now, just wait till they're teenagers!

No, I don't think it's alright for you to cut in line ahead of me! I see you majored in being inconsiderate and got high marks in the class!

What makes you think it's okay to throw your trash out your car window? Do you think the whole world is your personal trashcan!

You wanna drive a little slower? Traffic's still moving here!

Car too big for you? Try the one in front of K-Mart and bring your quarters!

Hello-o, I'm revving up my engine to put it in gear and back up, and you think that's a signal for you to walk behind my car? Are you really that dumb or do you just have a death wish?

Sorry, that light only comes in one shade of green!

You can only have one lane to drive in and this one's mine!

Who taught you how to drive? I'd ask for a refund!

And finally,

Okay, $#!% for brains! Get off the road; you're too stupid to even walk!

Here are some I've overused:

You have serious delusions of adequacy.

I'd love to have a battle of wits with you, but unfortunately you're unarmed.

If I thought you had a brain, I'd advise you to stay up all night to feed the gerbils that make it work.

I'd like to think there's a chance I'll get more patient and tolerant over time, but let's face it, when people encourage you by laughing when you make outrageous remarks, you're not inclined to stop. I'm glad I do most of my venting in private.

Oh well, all I can say is that while people are a never-ending source of amazement and entertainment to me, I guess I'm occasionally one to them as well.
I think it's a fair exchange.